(no subject)

Doing some research on adoption. I would rather not have to, due to the cost, but I also see the whole "pregnancy-big belly-baby" thing as such an alien concept. I can look at someone and go "yeah, I don't think that'll EVER be me." Its as ridiculous as telling me I could fly unaided. Can't envision that either.

Its this weird indescribable disconnect. Like a crystal clear vision of the future and KNOWING this is never going to be. call it gut instinct. Call it negative thinking. I think I might be right, and no wishing and hoping and happy thoughts ever changes that reality that I see for me, when I see someone else with a pregnant belly or a stroller.

And no lie, it feels like i've been kicked in the gut. I've avoided as best I can, all but ONE person's baby-ramblings.

I suppose my sense of universal justice also refuses to believe that people can have kids and feed them nothing but cheetos or beat them to death, yet we would go childless? Its at those moments I know there's no deity, or he's ripsnorting drunk at the wheel and an angry drunk at that.

So yeah. SOme days here the elevators are like running the baby-gauntlet. And they find me endlessly fun, and smile and I want to tell them to stop it, they're breaking my heart, and instead I just look away or avoid that elevator altogether. But they don't know, its not their fault. ( one day i'll probably just crack and start bawling my eyes out anyway. They're long elevator rides.)

So women...its not that I find your child annoying. I just find it a brutal reminder of what I might never have.

( r's ambivalent about it, as he's said, it really doesn't affect him directly and he has no emotions I swear. If we lost a 4th, I'd ask to get my tubes tied. End stop. I think I might be crazy for thinking "one more try." perhaps I outta go crack my head against a wall or two.)

But it is weird. I don't think I'll ever see the whole pregnancy to term thing. Just like I won't ever grow flippers, or gills.

( someone likened parenthood as "travelling to bolivia. everyone does it, and everyone takes it for granted" I ask, what do you do when you plan it, and your plane bursts into a million pieces THREE times in a row? I guess you take the train?) i think I resent that while I have the choice to get pregnant or not, the choice to have a kid or not, has been removed. The universe isn't pro choice. Sometimes it's Pro-fuckyouover.

(no subject)

Doing some research on adoption. I would rather not have to, due to the cost, but I also see the whole "pregnancy-big belly-baby" thing as such an alien concept. I can look at someone and go "yeah, I don't think that'll EVER be me." Its as ridiculous as telling me I could fly unaided. Can't envision that either.

Its this weird indescribable disconnect. Like a crystal clear vision of the future and KNOWING this is never going to be. call it gut instinct. Call it negative thinking. I think I might be right, and no wishing and hoping and happy thoughts ever changes that reality that I see for me, when I see someone else with a pregnant belly or a stroller.

And no lie, it feels like i've been kicked in the gut. I've avoided as best I can, all but ONE person's baby-ramblings.

I suppose my sense of universal justice also refuses to believe that people can have kids and feed them nothing but cheetos or beat them to death, yet we would go childless? Its at those moments I know there's no deity, or he's ripsnorting drunk at the wheel and an angry drunk at that.

So yeah. SOme days here the elevators are like running the baby-gauntlet. And they find me endlessly fun, and smile and I want to tell them to stop it, they're breaking my heart, and instead I just look away or avoid that elevator altogether. But they don't know, its not their fault. ( one day i'll probably just crack and start bawling my eyes out anyway. They're long elevator rides.)

So women...its not that I find your child annoying. I just find it a brutal reminder of what I might never have.

( r's ambivalent about it, as he's said, it really doesn't affect him directly and he has no emotions I swear. If we lost a 4th, I'd ask to get my tubes tied. End stop. I think I might be crazy for thinking "one more try." perhaps I outta go crack my head against a wall or two.)

But it is weird. I don't think I'll ever see the whole pregnancy to term thing. Just like I won't ever grow flippers, or gills.

( someone likened parenthood as "travelling to bolivia. everyone does it, and everyone takes it for granted" I ask, what do you do when you plan it, and your plane bursts into a million pieces THREE times in a row? I guess you take the train?) i think I resent that while I have the choice to get pregnant or not, the choice to have a kid or not, has been removed. The universe isn't pro choice. Sometimes it's Pro-fuckyouover.