![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Apr. 8th, 2022 10:32 pmthe application declines are coming in.
I’m “amazing resume, skills, experience….but…not what we want.”
Aye the story of my life. When i do get hired, people are “holy cow how did we ever manage without you” but I’m just “whatever” when it comes to the turn down.
Sales positions seem to want impossibly quantified stats. like, there’s no annual award for best in retail clerking. They want the MBA. Hell the marketer work hired after sacking the entire warehouse crew is a lawyer AND an MBA in business.
I’m 48. What makes you think I had the opportunity to ever have career stability or residential stability to earn that lauded MBA in Bullshit when R’s work seemed to frequently uproot us and the money was barely ever there for me to get those fucking credentials?
No, i’ve spent the better part of my working life being told i have great skills and portfolio and resume but they’d rather hire anyone else.
Too smart for burger flipper, too fucking stupid for everything else.
and i mean this has been historic, that the contract offer was first to every last someone else because that’s fair. I lost out on a lot of chances where “it’s not fair to everyone else if we gave you what you earned.”
( jr high: gifted program. me being in it on my own earned merits would have been unfair to everyone else. college “your marks don’t reflect your skill, you’re much better.” so why….. contract “we gave everyone else months extensions but we can only offer you two weeks because that’s only fair”
I’ve spent my life at the bottom of the heap because fair. I’m never quite “excellent enough, perfect enough, something enough.” I always fall fucking short.
not that i’m sobbing, it’s just the way of my life. From the moment we left vancouver and r said “you were too comfortable in that job anyway” well it was the most stable well paid work i’d had ever so thanks.
and ever since then, the legs get kicked out from under me. It’s more a surprise when i catch a tiny break.
whereupon almost 1700 a month gets spent in a flash before I even have a chance to see it because he signed up for subscriptoons? and home improvement stuff without fully ever asking if i might have had plans. out of a close to 14k i made at widget, i bought 300 in clothes ( me and S), some toiletries and makeup ( 100), an ipad for 900.
the rest just…disappeared. I wanted a leather sewing machine. and my gem a tuition. but he yoinked almost 90% of my income. Gone. just…poof.
makes biking every am in the blistering cold and wind and dark to sit in a cold warehouse for days on end great when you realize any end goals you had are still just as far away 7 months ago, except that you nearly flopped your exams juggling work and study.
and you still can’t get hired anywhere.
even if i gave him half the income, i’d still be closer to my dreams, but no. i have nothing to show for the last 7 months but cold hives, gouges on my legs, hair loss ( all from the cold), a UTI, ( because again, peeing in a washroom that’s close to freezing, and two lung infections.
i feel so fucking VALIDATED. Part of not taking any of the contract bit extensions is that I’m physically breaking down. my teeth are shattering ( can’t get to a fucking dentist if I’m exhausted).
next job, should there ever be one, i’m going to the bank and getting my own fucking savings account.
fuck all this.
and then he gets sniffy over the income loss. dude, you make three times what I do, and got a honkerass bonus and a raise how do you possibly fucking SPEND SO FUCKING MUCH.
i wish i could say it was unusual but money just slides through his hands like water and always has.
I realized something was up when most of my salary seemed to go straight on AMEX. i don’t really use the amex, and i saw a massive stack of vinyl record shipping boxes at the back door.
he has spent an absolute fucking fortune on these things. and at even 5 bucks a pop, it adds up dude.
here i am packing cold lunches and skipping starbucks and wearing clothes till they shred and saving saving planning eyes on the prize and here he is and he’s spent out my efforts under me.
we had an epic fight last week when i had hinted for sex, and he again goes “oh i don’t feeeel well”,
me “fine, but i’m not initiating any more. i feel cheap and stupid when 99% of the time I’m turned down.
( though if he hints tonight, i am literally bone-dead weary, dead ebike and biking in fucking gale headwinds AGAIN)
To add, we’ve had a very windy wet winter-spring, of hard gales and torrential icy rain and its physically exhausting. i’ve biked almost every day since we moved here and this last 6 months has been some of the most brutal weather i’ve dealt with.
So this weekend re do my CV. catch up on work. sleep.
I’m “amazing resume, skills, experience….but…not what we want.”
Aye the story of my life. When i do get hired, people are “holy cow how did we ever manage without you” but I’m just “whatever” when it comes to the turn down.
Sales positions seem to want impossibly quantified stats. like, there’s no annual award for best in retail clerking. They want the MBA. Hell the marketer work hired after sacking the entire warehouse crew is a lawyer AND an MBA in business.
I’m 48. What makes you think I had the opportunity to ever have career stability or residential stability to earn that lauded MBA in Bullshit when R’s work seemed to frequently uproot us and the money was barely ever there for me to get those fucking credentials?
No, i’ve spent the better part of my working life being told i have great skills and portfolio and resume but they’d rather hire anyone else.
Too smart for burger flipper, too fucking stupid for everything else.
and i mean this has been historic, that the contract offer was first to every last someone else because that’s fair. I lost out on a lot of chances where “it’s not fair to everyone else if we gave you what you earned.”
( jr high: gifted program. me being in it on my own earned merits would have been unfair to everyone else. college “your marks don’t reflect your skill, you’re much better.” so why….. contract “we gave everyone else months extensions but we can only offer you two weeks because that’s only fair”
I’ve spent my life at the bottom of the heap because fair. I’m never quite “excellent enough, perfect enough, something enough.” I always fall fucking short.
not that i’m sobbing, it’s just the way of my life. From the moment we left vancouver and r said “you were too comfortable in that job anyway” well it was the most stable well paid work i’d had ever so thanks.
and ever since then, the legs get kicked out from under me. It’s more a surprise when i catch a tiny break.
whereupon almost 1700 a month gets spent in a flash before I even have a chance to see it because he signed up for subscriptoons? and home improvement stuff without fully ever asking if i might have had plans. out of a close to 14k i made at widget, i bought 300 in clothes ( me and S), some toiletries and makeup ( 100), an ipad for 900.
the rest just…disappeared. I wanted a leather sewing machine. and my gem a tuition. but he yoinked almost 90% of my income. Gone. just…poof.
makes biking every am in the blistering cold and wind and dark to sit in a cold warehouse for days on end great when you realize any end goals you had are still just as far away 7 months ago, except that you nearly flopped your exams juggling work and study.
and you still can’t get hired anywhere.
even if i gave him half the income, i’d still be closer to my dreams, but no. i have nothing to show for the last 7 months but cold hives, gouges on my legs, hair loss ( all from the cold), a UTI, ( because again, peeing in a washroom that’s close to freezing, and two lung infections.
i feel so fucking VALIDATED. Part of not taking any of the contract bit extensions is that I’m physically breaking down. my teeth are shattering ( can’t get to a fucking dentist if I’m exhausted).
next job, should there ever be one, i’m going to the bank and getting my own fucking savings account.
fuck all this.
and then he gets sniffy over the income loss. dude, you make three times what I do, and got a honkerass bonus and a raise how do you possibly fucking SPEND SO FUCKING MUCH.
i wish i could say it was unusual but money just slides through his hands like water and always has.
I realized something was up when most of my salary seemed to go straight on AMEX. i don’t really use the amex, and i saw a massive stack of vinyl record shipping boxes at the back door.
he has spent an absolute fucking fortune on these things. and at even 5 bucks a pop, it adds up dude.
here i am packing cold lunches and skipping starbucks and wearing clothes till they shred and saving saving planning eyes on the prize and here he is and he’s spent out my efforts under me.
we had an epic fight last week when i had hinted for sex, and he again goes “oh i don’t feeeel well”,
me “fine, but i’m not initiating any more. i feel cheap and stupid when 99% of the time I’m turned down.
( though if he hints tonight, i am literally bone-dead weary, dead ebike and biking in fucking gale headwinds AGAIN)
To add, we’ve had a very windy wet winter-spring, of hard gales and torrential icy rain and its physically exhausting. i’ve biked almost every day since we moved here and this last 6 months has been some of the most brutal weather i’ve dealt with.
So this weekend re do my CV. catch up on work. sleep.
