(no subject)

Slept on the massive edit request. Still pissed off. I posted the feedback and my notes on it, in the document KC beta read, so she'd understand.


I just read your story. I like it. Very mysterious…. definitely a different take on The Sha’Daa than we’ve had in the series before...

There are a couple of issues that need to be addressed, and hopefully won’t require too much in the way of rewriting or tweaking on your part.

First off, as a quick Sha’Daa background reminder/wrap-up, Johnny the Salesman is a powerful supernatural being with godlike powers, and as such has unusually perceptive senses and prescient abilities, which is why he is able to make the tens of thousands of trades that he does all over the planet… he can perceive what the ramifications for every Sha’Daa-related event and hell-portal opening are, and so he has an endless number of objects in his bottomless inner jacket pocket that can help the person he trades with (some are magical, some are merely practical, but all help the person he trades with to defeat evil, or close a hell portal… though said protagonist doesn’t necessarily survive).

ME None of this was in the brief. I gave you( KACEY)) world notes presuming that you needed to come on board fast and not read 6 novels. So I'm annoyed that the jacket, the hell portals, the salesman were all not clearly delineated for use in the story.

Johnny is powerful enough to defeat all the hell demons and hell gods in existence, but for reasons not given he is prevented by higher powers from “directly” interfering with the events of The Sha’Daa, with the exception of the “trades” that he makes… Johnny wants to save the Earth from destruction and annihilation, and has been making his trades for 10,000 years… since the last Sha’Daa occurred. ( i wasn't sure if shadaa were mystical things or a happening or both.)

I mention this because I don’t think Johnny would necessarily be party to circumstances where Willy would capture and imprison a random human being in such a macabre manner. ( i imagine ted would be quite content, really, once the shock wore off.)

If you use Johnny in your story, you need to have him making a trade (remember he requires some very personal object that a person carries with them and would normally not give up, but Johnny just has this nature that people trust) that is beneficial to a person in either helping them survive The Sha’Daa, or in closing a hell portal in some manner. ( this again, not in the one page brief "this is your mission if you choose to accept it".

A couple of times in the series folks have created a moment where someone refuses one of Johnny’s trades. This is rare, but it does happen.

I’m not dead set against unhappy endings, as it were, but just remember that the Earth cannot be destroyed or overwhelmed by some great evil by the end of The Sha’Daa 2-day event (which takes place over the summer solstice). I did not destroy the earth. Honest.

So, with all that said, I’d like to ask you to give the story a rewrite that:

1) makes a reference or two that world-wide there are crazy, unexplained things (disasters, etc.) happening that would certainly be mentioned in the news, on tv, radio, and online… (remember, the first three Sha’Daa anthologies, and the last one [INKED] all take place over the same two days that your story does… so that is a lot of wild and crazy things happening)…This again, wasn't entirely clear. Actually not mentioned at all in the original brief I was handed. I was only instructed to "ask questions." This is YOUR world, sir, you need to explain it before the author starts working. How am I to know what to ask? 

2) you mention that Whirligigs is a store in a plaza? The store exists in the heart of Chicago, across the street from Oz Park. I errored, and maybe should have checked a map. I'm not familiar that much with chicago. It really read as a suburb.

3) Johnny is not Willy’s buddy or friend… his relationship with people is always purely practical, and so Johnny would only make trades with Willy that allowed him to acquire objects that he needs for his trades around the planet (Johnny can teleport anywhere, even through time). Make sure you tailor any dialogue between them to reflect that Johnny is very serious about his 10,000-year long mission….( again not clear in the brief, and it read to me as they had a business relationship of sorts.) The need for item for trade, and johnny's mission were not at all specified. Johhny is decribed as "a salesman" and you must use him. THAT"S ALL. NOTHING MORE. 

4) perhaps you can expand on the idea of the protagonist waking up in the toy train set as part of a scenario where the person in question has to defeat an evil by traveling through a hell dimension on the toy train, accomplishing some kind of mission (with the aid of his family and friends, or not, as you see fit)… or maybe his falling victim to the curse that puts him on the train is the payment or balance necessary to close a hell portal from opening and killing every one… these are just random suggestions… the skies the limit on where you can take this. ( this part is what I think pesters me most, that I'm "too macabre" and yet defeat evil and hell portals and I think I'd have to re do an entirely different tale because this is the part where I feel "dude, I can't make this fit." This is where I'm frustrated, because what he wants is an entirely different story in my view. A spooky little train that's hexed one day of the year to take on a new passenger. I thought I'd sort of nailed that one. Meh. I was all set to mop up edits and i'm asked to rebuild it from the floorboards under pressure.

So yeah. Kind of growly that I missed the mark because I just wasn't given a clear target to start with. I dislike this sort of "you didn't give me what I want that I didn't ask for."


Well, I hope all that wasn’t too discouraging. I think you’ve got a good story in the heart of this and some rewriting and expansion can make this gem shine.


The brief: 

WillWilly Carroll, eccentric owner of the toy shop, WHIRLIGIGS, sells from the most unusual collection of baubles, diddles, playthings, gewgaws, gimcracks, knickknacks, novelties, and trinkets known to man.

His toys, both new and restored, are famous in dark corners, far off lands, and strange places for their... Unusual Abilities... and with the 10,000 year cycle between SHA'DAAs ending, his product line is in huge demand.... by both sides... those that wish to save Humanity from extinction and those that DON'T!

Your mission, Sha'Daa Writer, should you decide to accept it, is to write a chapter (short story in TOYS that is No shorter than 5,000 words and No longer than 10,000 words. And NO, there are no exceptions to this rule.

Your story must "center" around a supernatural toy that had been purchased at some time (it can have been bought many years before The Sha'Daa) from Willy Carroll's strange toy shop "Whirligigs." You do not have to create a scene at Whirligigs if you do not want to.

Cash, Credit, and Trade. Willy even takes Paypal.

 

Your mission, Sha'Daa Writer, should you decide to accept it, is to write a chapter (short story in TOYS that is No shorter than 5,000 words and No longer than 10,000 words. And NO, there are no exceptions to this rule.

Your story must "center" around a supernatural toy that had been purchased at some time (it can have been bought many years before The Sha'Daa) from Willy Carroll's strange toy shop "Whirligigs." You do not have to create a scene at Whirligigs if you do not want to.

Cash, Credit, and Trade. Willy even takes Paypal.

Willy "appears" to be about 30-35 years old. He is six-feet-tall, slim, pale skin with freckles, clean-shaven, a thick unruly shock of naturally bright red hair, and a wide grin full of bright white teeth, and a tiny sparkling diamond imbedded into his RIGHT lateral incisor..

He is the consummate huckster and salesman, shameless in the aggressive but friendly patter he throws out to snare customers.

Willy has an odd Aussie/Kiwi accent, though a native of either country would be hard pressed to pin down where he was born.

Willy's Toy Store, "Whirligigs" is located in Chicago, IL and borders Oz Park.

The front display room and sales counter of "Whirligigs" is very reminiscent of the old FAO Schwarz Fifth Avenue Toy Store shown in the movie BIG. Packages, boxed and wrapped in elaborately colored and patterned paper and ribbons, occasionally appear on a conveyor belt feeding from the high security warehousing room in the back of the store. Sometimes you can see fleeting glimpses of child-sized figures moving about in that poorly lit storage room, leading to rumors of child labor, or something.... else...

Willy, who owns a private jet and has a single-pilot jet license, flies all over the world on weekends looking for unusual and hard-to-acquire toys....

ALL stories must be told in real-time, i.e., your story must Begin at the start of The Sha'Daa, and Cannot extend beyond the immediate end of it.... in fact, most stories are required to end no sooner than 3-4 hours from the end of the 48 hour period (two days of the Summer Solstice). You can have some "flashbacks" to events that take place before The Sha'Daa, but no actual real-time scenes.

You "must" use the character Johnny The Salesman in your story. It is up to you how much you use him. THIS IS ALL I WAS FUCKING GIVEN RE THIS CHARACTER> 

***
So you want me to write in your shared world and I get a half-page of notes at the start, and a LONGER fucking edit note after, describing details that would have been better MONTHS AGO??

The story: ted, newly retired, longs to travel but his wife simply refuses. So ted gets into model trains, as a substitute for the lack of travel. He gets drawn in by this strange model set that he buys at Whirligigs that's been "charmed?cursed?) by the events of the shadaa ( still wtf) and finally finds his obsession leads him to waking up on the tiny sleeper car, and then he understands that the figures on the train landscape display are previous owners, forever living out their travel dream in miniature.

I was NOT aware I needed a fucking HELL portal.

Fuck.