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Sep. 14th, 2012 02:32 pmGot the last of my "need to haves" for school obtained. Spent a yonkload of money. Argg.
R and I are trying this kid thing again, now that con is over for another year. I of course have shifted my reality to "unlikely to happen." I still am no closer to any sort of resolution about this mentally, and I think this is where it gets as good as it gets. I get a tightness of the chest and a kicked gut feeling that we really won't have kids, R doesn't want to really pursue adoption, and there's no surrogacy option around for us, SO....
This is the reality. This was the we tried and failed and we were pariahs and now everyone's poppin babies left right center and we're not invited to the party. That's what it feels like. And there's fuck all we can do about it. Wishing, hoping, good thoughts, well, please, I appreciate the sentiment but honestly if that was all it took we'd be golden.
Its not the destination we hoped for but its what we got, right? I have zero expectation of a successful pregnancy. No science is offering miracles, only more handwaving hope and well, if that worked....
It has permanently left a grand canyon, no, Marianas Trench sized rip in my heart. The hurt runs pretty goddamn deep, two years after the last loss. There's just NOTHING to fix that. So you move on, you keep going because if you look down and see that big dark rent in reality, you'd crumble and lose your mind with grief. Its ALWAYS there. It isn't ever going to be not there.
This is the reality. I think barring a hands down miracle, we're pretty much outta that race.
R and I are trying this kid thing again, now that con is over for another year. I of course have shifted my reality to "unlikely to happen." I still am no closer to any sort of resolution about this mentally, and I think this is where it gets as good as it gets. I get a tightness of the chest and a kicked gut feeling that we really won't have kids, R doesn't want to really pursue adoption, and there's no surrogacy option around for us, SO....
This is the reality. This was the we tried and failed and we were pariahs and now everyone's poppin babies left right center and we're not invited to the party. That's what it feels like. And there's fuck all we can do about it. Wishing, hoping, good thoughts, well, please, I appreciate the sentiment but honestly if that was all it took we'd be golden.
Its not the destination we hoped for but its what we got, right? I have zero expectation of a successful pregnancy. No science is offering miracles, only more handwaving hope and well, if that worked....
It has permanently left a grand canyon, no, Marianas Trench sized rip in my heart. The hurt runs pretty goddamn deep, two years after the last loss. There's just NOTHING to fix that. So you move on, you keep going because if you look down and see that big dark rent in reality, you'd crumble and lose your mind with grief. Its ALWAYS there. It isn't ever going to be not there.
This is the reality. I think barring a hands down miracle, we're pretty much outta that race.
